Jessica and Tim: How to Stay in Love

By Dr. Val Farmer

August 8, 2003

Jessica and Tim, here is some marital advice for you as you begin your new life together. These thoughts are directed to you Tim but they apply equally to Jessica.

Commitment. The solemnity and strength of your commitment will protect your marriage from both internal and outside pressures. You married each other under God’s blessing. Live the promises you made that day.

Fight for your marriage. Go for counseling if you need to. Do whatever it takes to make it what it can be - one of the supreme sources of joy in this life.

Meet needs. Learn the desires, hopes and dreams of the soul of the unique person you married. Become an expert on what she needs and make meeting those needs your top priority.

Because of the vows you made, Jessica has given you the exclusive right to meet some of these important needs. You are it. The only one. You play a vital role in your spouse’s happiness. If you do not meet these needs, it is unfair to her to go through life without ethical alternatives.

Your needs are not her needs. Identify your needs and her needs. Communicate them to each other. Learn to meet them. The trap is that you might assume that your needs are a blueprint for Jessica's needs.

If the two of you were to discuss what would make you the happiest, you probably would mention needs for admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Her priorities from this list will be different from your own.

Find out what pleases Jessica and please her. Turn your loving actions into habits. Be the source of her greatest happiness.

Marriage has to meet your needs as well. Your sacrifice and devotion should be based on actions that bring you pleasure also. You will have to learn to negotiate solutions that work for both your best interests. Make a lifestyle that takes into account each other’s feelings.

Make time for her. Talk to her. Listen with your heart. Spend leisure time together. Have fun. Be affectionate. Give her your undivided attention. Your care and attention are the building blocks of love.

- Don’t destroy your love. Don’t be the cause of her greatest unhappiness. You can take away from all the love you create by actions that destroy love. Not only do you have to protect her from others, you have to protect her from yourself. Here are some behaviors to avoid.

- Don’t be pushy or make selfish demands. Don’t attempt to force Jessica to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Don’t gain at her expense. Instead of selfish demands, make thoughtful requests. If you detect reluctance, withdraw your request and discuss alternatives that she would endorse.

- Don’t make disrespectful judgments. This is another way to get your way. Jessica is entitled to her way of thinking, attitudes and behavior. Don’t try to change her way of thinking by lecture, ridicule, threat or negative aspersions to her thoughts or personality. She is your equal. The respectful way you talk to her will keep your disagreements from harming your relationship. Instead of disrespectful judgments, try respectful persuasion.

- Avoid angry outbursts, rages, uncontrolled temper and simmering resentments. Control your temper at all costs. Anger is a form of abuse just like selfish demands and disrespectful judgments. Anger doesn’t solve problems. It doesn’t encourage cooperation. Anger creates anger. Learn to disengage and explain your feelings when you are in control.

- Get rid of annoying habits. If you do something habitually that bothers Jessica, don’t expect her to get used to it. You don’t live in her skin. As a man, you probably have a few more annoying habits than she does. Take her complaints seriously. If the list seems endless, tackle the top ones first.

- Don’t be too independent from each other. Don’t make choices that affect Jessica’s life without consulting her and getting her agreement. Your life affects her life. Coordinate your career, leisure activities, religious practices, family involvement, and service to others with each other. Schedule and plan together.

- Don’t be dishonest. Be open about yourself. Let Jessica know you - your emotional reactions, thoughts, feelings, habits, likes and dislikes. Be completely open about your personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. Don’t lie. Tell her the truth about things she wouldn’t know to ask about. If you are honest about yourself, hidden problems won’t surprise her. Honesty gives you a chance to work out your differences, solve problems and face harmful habits as a couple.

You can have a passionate loving relationship all of your life. It takes commitment. It takes giving up your pride, bad habits, independence, selfish desires, and disrespectful communication to really function as a couple. Give Jessica the care she needs and the protection she deserves.

The ideas I described above are contained in two books by Willard Harley Jr. One is called "His Needs, Her Needs," and the other is called "Lover Busters: Overcoming Habits that Destroy Romantic Love."

Visit Dr. Farmer's web site at:www.valfarmer.com. Reprinted with permission of The Preston Connection. Sponsored by CSU Cooperative Extension, Kiowa County.