Five Reasons Why Fathers Matter

By Dr. Val Farmer

June 27, 2003

Are fathers really the unmotivated, incompetent, uncaring inadequate bunglers or the driven, workaholics who ignore their families that we see in movies, television and plays?

Most men care deeply. Most men are committed to responding to the challenge of caring for their children over a lifetime.

What unique contributions do fathers make in the lives of children? What do fathers do that mothers can’t? Or more likely, in a two parent family, what do fathers do that complement the mothering skills of their wives?

1. Fathers nurture, love and meet emotional needs. Fathers have an opportunity to experience the rich emotional experience of giving and sharing in a lifelong bond with their children. Fatherly attention, caring, affection, interest, encouragement and love for children supplement and complement the devotion and love mothers bring to parenting. This blessing and experience of nurturing children changes and deepens the emotional life of men as it blesses the lives of their children.

There is great power in love. There is power in the bond it creates.

There is power in the role modeling for sons on how to be an expressive, loving male. There is great power for daughters as they receive the attention and validation of their worth in the eyes of their fathers.

2. Fathers teach about relationships. A father shows both his sons and daughters how a man can love a woman by being a role model of a loving husband. He shows this by being affectionate, kind and generous, serving her and treating her with dignity, respect, and equality, and being a full partner with her in responding to the needs and challenges of life.

Children will learn more about how to be a spouse and parent someday in their own families by observing the loving and cooperative interactions of their parents than by any other means. Daughters learn the basics on what to expect in a man as a future husband and how a loving father can and should act - both with themselves and with their mother. Boys learn about fathering by watching and interacting with their fathers.

Fathers also involve themselves meaningfully and actively in their children’s lives. They connect through sharing activities, recreation and play. Fathers and sons may find a wide range of activities to enjoy together that appeal to their masculine interests and skills.

Fathers need to be equally attentive to their daughters and their needs. Fathers of daughters need to extend themselves to foster opportunities for connection with their daughters and to care about their world.

By keeping the lines of communication open, fathers stay involved and can offer needed support and guidance at crucial times in their lives.

Positive communications and problem solving between fathers and children also teaches about flexibility, negotiations, self-control and fathers as problem-solvers. Conflict resolution skills modeled in this relationship will be mirrored by children in their future relationships in their own families within a few short years.

3. Fathers teach values, beliefs and skills. Fathers prepare their children for mastery in the world by sharing their knowledge, skills and perspectives about life. Children need to be taught who they are, to make sense of the world and their place in the family and community. Fathers who live with purpose, industriousness, faith, goodness and hope will pass on their steadiness, conviction and determination to persevere under adverse circumstances.

Fathers understand the necessity of preparing children to take risks, to push themselves, to be competitive, to be courageous, and to measure up to demands. Fathers teach responsibility and accountability. A father’s strength and willingness to be an authority figure helps teach limits and consequences to actions in the home.

Fathers who have high expectations of themselves and their children foreshadow what they believe their children will need in terms of work ethic, initiative and independence. Mothers and fathers balance each other in terms of providing the safe haven of love and security and the need to venture out into unexplored territory.

4. Fathers know how to play. Fathers are good at playing with young children. They enjoy it and so do the children. The mutual enjoyment that comes through play builds the bond between them.

Children learn through play. Active play is an important part of their development. When fathers play with their young children, they are doing what they do best. Where fathers have a sense of humor, are playful and fun to be around, it brings a sense of fun, relaxation and proportion to family life and serves as an antidote to stress and setbacks.

This sense of playfulness is extended into sports, high risk adventure, vacations, and outdoor experiences. With rough play and hardship, fathers teach toughness and deprivation in primitive environments. They are not complainers, excessive worriers, or break down under pressure.

5. Father are stewards in protecting and providing for the family. Fathers care about the next generation and work hard to provide opportunities for their success. They know the meaning of the word "sacrifice". They do their part as fathers to protect the family from harm and provide necessary experiences, opportunities and resources to meet the needs of their children.

Fathers also model service to the community as well as in the home. They care about the physical and community environments that sustain positive family life. When children see fathers take a leadership role in caring for and serving others, it shows them how fathering can go far beyond meeting one’s personal needs. The next step is "grandfathering" and the powerful contribution men can make in that role.

Thanks goes to Dr.Sean Brotherson, Family Life Specialist at North Dakota State University and co-founder of the Dakota Fatherhood Initiative for sharing his insights into fatherhood.

Visit Dr. Farmer’s web site at: www.valfarmer.com. Reprinted with permission of The Preston Connection. Sponsored by Colorado State University Cooperative Extension, Kiowa County.